is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
