I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
