Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My penis needs a shock collar
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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