Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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