I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
