areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
