I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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