if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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