Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
