Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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