i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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