There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
