these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
