i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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