Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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