his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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