I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
