mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
