I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize