And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
