Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
and she was petting her beer can
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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