I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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