I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
