pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
