dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
