and you said cock pushups were impossible
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
