remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
