Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
