Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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