I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
