I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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