he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
