I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
