I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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