Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
