i was born a porn star she said
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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