I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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