Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
