i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
