i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
