Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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