Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
