he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
