Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
There's always time for handjobs
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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