I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
