is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
