Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Randomize
