Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize