One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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