I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
