why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
