U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
