my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
