don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
