I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
