I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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