We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
