just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
