What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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