Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
