I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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