I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize